Current mood:	contemplative
Entry tags:	crying, dougiebear, emergency room, emotions, family, feelings, hospital, memory lane, relationships

memories
Three years ago I watched my husband struggle to breathe and then finally succumb to the realization that he wasn't able to get any better on his own. I sat helplessly in the back seat of Eric's truck while a crew from an ambulance I had summoned worked franticly to stabilize him prior to transporting him to the hospital. I sat helplessly in the waiting room outside the emergency department--doing what everyone does in a waiting room waiting--not knowing what the hell was going on with my husband. It seemed like forever before the dctor came and told us he was being put in the intensive care unit because he was acodotic as a result of struggling to breathe for the majority of the day. I felt angry at myself for not alerting Eric of the situation earlier so that maybe the ambulance trip could have been avoided altogether. I recall being able to hold his hand but being unable to make out the majority of what he said to me as a result of the bipap mask they had put on him to help him breathe. I did make out that we would come earlier next time--little did I know then that there would be no next time--and also I was able to understand him when he told me. I sit here today feeling as though I am completely alone. My family doesn't want me to talk about Doug or my relationship with him. Because they didn't approve of or for lack of an ability to think of a better word this early in the morning authorize the love that we shared, I am simply supposed to pretend it never happened. I am also dealing with the many mixed emotions that come with my recent breakup. I am baffled by the reality that apparently everything Jordan and I shared for over a year was a lie. I am also having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that he is now apparently willingly participating in a relationship in which he told me he had no interest and wanted to be done with two days ago. I also am frustrated by the fact that, once again, my family believes that I should be able to turn my feelings for someone on and off like a light switch. I have never been--and more than likely never will be--able to do such a thing. It just doesn't make sense to me. Okay, I think my babbling has bored you all enough for the time being, and my tears have dried for now as well. I want to share some memories of my time with Doug on the seventh of November three years ago, but I will wait until tomorrow to do so. For now I must lay down again; I am exhausticated as Doug used to say.